you never know when it will end tomorrow or
by Ellipsis the Great
Summary: She's done with this, with all of it; has been rid of it for years, hasn't even dreamt of it in months, and now she's standing in front of a mirror, her arms tingling as the nightdress she wears strains against the…the bulk of her masculinized body...


_**you never know when it will end tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow…**_

_**Summary: **__She's done with this, with all of it; has been rid of it for years, hasn't even dreamt of it in months, and now she's standing in front of a mirror, her arms tingling as the nightdress she wears strains against the…the bulk of her masculinized body and cuts off her circulation. Sequel to 'they always said that sex would change you,' Trans!Bones/Jim_

_**Rating:**__ K+_

_**Disclaimer:**__Star Trek and everything affiliated with it belongs to Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams, and all those other cool cats who own it. Title is from the song 'Sex Changes' by Dresden Dolls. All I own is the plot…_

She is pulled suddenly from her sleep, as if her body knows instinctively that something is wrong. She waits to hear sirens, to feel Jim's hand on her shoulder shaking her awake, to see blaring emergency signals cutting through the darkness.

But it is quiet save for Jim snoring softly behind her, and the only light in the darkness comes from the stars blinking through the window of their hostel room.

She reaches up to rub a hand over her face, to try and remove some of the sleep from her eyes, but is frozen when her fingers—too big, too thick, too ungainly—brush roughly against stubble on her chin. Holding her hand farther from her face so that she can see it properly, she sits up. Her center of balance is off—higher up, in her chest instead of her hips, and even though she's sitting she nearly topples over.

She stands, wobbles, but she lived in a man's body for thirty-odd years before making the transition into a woman's. It's sickening to her stomach how easily she re-accustoms herself to it.

It's like she never made the change at all by the time she reaches the bathroom, flicking on the light and grimacing both from the brightness and the sight of herself—_him_self—in the mirror. There are the hard, unforgiving lines of her jaw, the scratchy shadows of unkempt facial hair, the broad shoulders and bulging muscles.

She's _done_ with this, with all of it; has been rid of it for years, hasn't even dreamt of it in months, and now she's standing in front of a mirror, her arms tingling as the nightdress she wears strains against the…the _bulk_ of her masculinized body and cuts off her circulation.

She tries to pull off the delicate fabric…well, _delicately_, but a single movement of her upper body and it makes a loud ripping sound as the seams pop. So she rips it from her body and starts the shower and sits with her legs curled up into her chest as the water sluices down across her skin. She shakes and starts to cry, even though she's stronger than that, goddammit, and male or female or whatever else she's not one for tears.

"Bones?" Jim's voice is groggy, thick with sleep through the door of the bathroom. "'S not even dawn, yet."

She doesn't want to scare him, or even tell him what's happened, but a particularly loud sob chooses that moment to tear from her throat—God, even when she's _crying_ her voice is deeper than it ever is when she's in her proper body.

"Bones?" She should have locked the door, but she didn't, and it swings open a moment later. "Bones, what's…" There's a short pause as he evidently notices the pile of torn and ruined silk on the floor. "Hey, are you okay?"

He pushes the shower curtain aside, and she tries to shrink herself as small as she can in this stupid, huge body.

"I'm a man, again." She says, like it isn't obvious.

Jim is quiet, but she can see him kneel next to the tub. He turns the water off and puts his arms around her and, God bless him, he doesn't say anything at all. Just cards his fingers through her hair and holds her tight, and even though his arms don't fit right around her, now—as a man she is a good bit larger than him, taller and bulkier—they are as warm and soothing as ever.

"It was supposed to be permanent." She says, reaching up to cling to him.

"Yeah." He says. "Come on back to bed; we'll figure it out tomorrow, okay?"

She nods, lets him help her out of the tub, lets him dry her off and wrap her up in one of the fluffy bathrobe-things that were provided by the Khset (the aliens from this planet, the name of which she would never attempt to pronounce, much less spell). He leads her over to the bed and they lie down, her face buried in his chest as she clutches to him, his face pressed into her hair even though it's still wet and can't be very comfortable.

She sleeps in fits, and when morning finally comes there is a little tent in the sheets that doesn't come from Jim. She bursts into tears, again, and Jim holds her tighter.

(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)

"I see you have been returned to your proper form, Healer." One of the Khset, an ambassador, says delightedly when they show up for breakfast. She is wearing Jim's spare uniform, and flinches at the way the other members of the away party—Spock, Chekov, and that Cupcake guy Jim is rather disturbingly fond of—stare at her.

"I was already—" She begins, her mouth tightening as the meaning behind his statement dawn on her and the rest of the landing crew. Jim cuts her off.

"Ambassador Tuhmir, it is considered rude among members of the Federation to tamper with a person's biology without their knowledge or consent." He says, his voice hard and cold. It's the tone he uses just before he does something utterly insane and stupid and noble. "Surely it is the same here."

"It was our way of thanking you for your help." Tuhmir says, head cocking to one side. "It was not in your power to return your Healer to his true body, but it was within ours. You are not pleased?"

"Ambassador, Dr. McCoy had already undergone corrective surgery." Spock says in that bland way of his that is a little _too_ emotionless. "Her former body was the true one."

Tuhmir frowns. "This is the body with which she was born."

"It's not the body I was meant to have." She hisses.

"The body with which the gods bestowed upon one at birth is the body with which one is meant to possess." Tuhmir says.

"The body with which I feel the most comfortable is the one I'm meant to have." She retorts. "You had no right—"

"Ambassador," says Jim, putting a hand on her arm, "she made her decision a long time ago. Please return her to the body she prefers."

"What he asks is a sin against the gods." Tuhmir says. "As such, I cannot."

"It is _her_ sin to choose to commit, then." Jim says.

"I _will_ not help _him_ commit a sin against the gods." Tuhmir says.

"Ambassador—"

"You will return to your ship, now." Tuhmir turns away. "Your presence is no longer required or welcome on Khset. We thank you for your help."

"Tuhmir…"

"Farewell, Captain."

If Jim weren't angry enough to tear the planet apart, he would be fascinated by the technology the Khset possess that allows them to force a transport for the team back to the ship.

As it is, he'll leave that to Scotty and Spock.

(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)

"It'll be a few weeks before we can get back to Yrme." Jim says, watching Janice re-issue her male uniform. She's just glad Janice made him leave while her measurements were being taken. "I've made a report to Starfleet—Pike says he's approving us to go, and they're filing a formal complaint against Khset for…doing this to you."

There's so much she could say in response—they didn't ask, didn't even warn her, didn't consider that she might have _preferred_ being a woman. She can still remember the shock and disgust in Tuhmir's voice when they had asked for him to turn her back. She can still remember that tone in Jocelyn's voice…

"You'll be back to normal in no time, Bones." Jim says, nodding his thanks to Janice.

She shakes her head and tugs at the edge of her uniform shirt.

"Why didn't you get the female uniform?" He asks.

"What're we gonna do the next time some aliens decide I'm better off in this body?" She asks. "We can't keep running back to Yrme every time it happens—and you know it'll happen again, Jim. We've already been to three planets that tried to convince me that I should be a man; this is just the first one to force the transformation."

"Bones, you're not _happy_ as a man." Jim says. "I'm not gonna let you be miserable just because some backwards aliens don't like it. We'll just…ask about it in our debriefings."

She snorts, but doesn't respond. Jim can _hear_ what she would have said, though, as clear as if she'd grumped it out herself.

"Bones, seriously. You're a _woman_. It doesn't matter whether you were born with a peen or not, okay?"

She can't help the smile that comes to her face, which grows when Jim throws an arm around her shoulders.

"Besides, babe, I remember how bitchy you were as a dude. And, I mean, you wouldn't be you if you weren't at least a _little_ bitchy, but at least as a chick you had an excuse for it."

She punches his shoulder—well, there's one good thing about this body: she doesn't have to work as hard for her muscles, and she _knows_ that punch hurts more than it ever would have in her female body—and rolls her eyes. "You are _such_ a dick."

"I know." He preens.

"Not a compliment, Jim."

(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)

"Doctor, you are in the wrong body, again."

It is almost word-for-word what Giyermo had said to her the first time they met, five years ago when she had first undergone her gender reassignment surgery on Yrme.

She'd forgotten how good it felt to be in a society where being one's true gender—regardless of the gender with which one was born—is the norm.

"Some folks don't like it when you change your genitals, even if you're more comfortable the one way instead of the other." She says, trying to smile. "And sometimes they don't ask which you prefer."

Giyermo frowns, inclining his head in a disapproving way. "Perhaps we should equip your ship with one of our machines. It is always a pleasure to see you again, but it cannot be convenient for you. And," he pauses, turning the words around in his head thoughtfully before saying them, "it is your right to choose what body you will take. No one else's. Even the gods make mistakes."

She does smile, then, soft and sad. "Thank you. That would be very kind."

"It would be very right." He corrects, then returns her smile with an impish grin of his own. "Perhaps next time you can retaliate with our machine. To correct a person's bad manners, one much subject them to a punishment that fits their crime…wouldn't you agree?"

She laughs. "That would be a bit inappropriate, and possibly hypocritical, but I'll enjoy the image."

He pats her shoulder. "You are a handsome man, Doctor."

She blinks.

"But, you know, there is nothing quite so beautiful as a person who is comfortable in their own skin." He pauses, regarding her thoughtfully for a moment, then smiles again and says, "Step this way, please, and we will begin."

(I'MADOCTOR,NOTAPAGEBREAK)

"We should have done it while you had a penis." Jim says when he sees her again. There is a mildly disappointed expression on his face.

"Don't be an asshole, Jim." She says.

"No, no, I'm not—I'm just saying we should have done it. For science, or something. You should've tried out the old bits just to…just to _see_."

"I've had sex as a man, before, Jim." She reminds him. "I have a daughter."

"You haven't had sex as a man with _me_, before." He says.

"And I thank God for that every day."

He makes a face at her, then pulls her into a hug. "You know you're beautiful, right, Bones? Dick or vag, boobs or pecs."

"I'm not turning back into a man just so that we can have sex, Jim."

"Shh, I'm trying to be romantic."

She rolls her eyes and pulls him down into a kiss. She tries to frown at him when they pull apart, but can't _quite_ manage it.

"Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful." Jim says, peppering her face with kisses.

She sighs. "Maybe you can switch to a woman and we can have hot lesbian sex, okay?"

Jim laughs—for all his posturing, she knows humor is just his way of dealing with things. He tries really hard to be serious, but that just isn't Jim. He's always figured that a smile was the best way to give one last 'fuck you' to whoever's trying to screw them over.

"I love you."

"I know. I love you, too." She says.

"No, no." He grabs her face, pressing their foreheads together. "I love you, Bones. Not 'I love _him_' or 'I love _her_.' I love _you_."

She presses a kiss to his mouth and embraces him. "I _know_, Jim. I love you, too."

The End


End file.
